Mission: Procrastination

It’s 2 p.m.  Been up since 7:30 a.m.  Wow – that’s a lot of awake-hours already.  What have I accomplished today?

Should first temper rising guilt and anxiety due to suspicion that I have not been as productive as I could have been by reducing number of Awake-hours by number of Not-Writing-But-Doing-Other-Necessary-Essential-Tasks-Of-Daily-Living-hours:

Total Awake-hours = 6.5

Breakdown of Total NWBDONETODL-hours =

(Drank 3 cups of coffee to wake up while watching a re-run of Jersey Shore –> 0.75 hours (did not watch the full episode cuz had seen it before and already knew the ending))

+ (Took dogs out –> 0.25 hours)

+ (Fed dogs –> 0.03 hours)

+ (Calculated the decimal portion of an hour for the 2 minutes it took me to feed the dogs –> 0.03 hours)

+ (Caught up with friend on IM –> 1.0 hours (mostly talked about various revenge scenes for men who had scorned us in the past, but part of discussion was about book project, so only fair to deduct that portion from this total and add it to the productive-time total) –> 0.75 hours)

+ (Finished episode of Jersey Shore, as it was a good one and I needed a chuckle to ease bitterness roused by discussion about bad boyfriends who deserved being revenged-upon –> 0.25 hours)

+ (Sat down to write.  In need of inspiration, looked outside window.  Trusty writer‘s manual says: “Nature = Inspiration.”  Noticed it was snowing.  Checked forecast to see if there will be 2 or more inches of snow, in which case I’d need to move my car to another street.  Weatherman on local news channel said “1-2 inches of snow accumulation.”  Which one will it be, weatherman??  ONE or TWO?  Do i need to move my car or not?   Just tell me and stop with your coy estimation game!  Mentally added local news weatherman to list of people to portray in unflattering parody in book.  Mental note reminded me that I should be writing my book.  Sat down to write, but then heard what sounded like snow plows outside and got paranoid.  Ran outside to see if car was still in its spot, fearing it had been towed, and prepared to throw self in tow truck’s path to prevent $250 tow fee.  Car still there – phew!  Ran back inside.  But now cold, and bottom of pants are wet.  Changed pants.  Probably shouldn’t be in my pajamas at 2 p.m. anyway, but isn’t that supposed to be one of the great perks of being a writer?  Sneezed twice in a row.  Will probably catch pneumonia now.  Mentally added local news weatherman to list of men to victimize in scorned-woman-revenge scene for forcing me to wear day clothes despite my writer’s-right to wear p.j.’s while I work, not to mention causing my imminent death due to pneumonia –> 0.5 hours)

+ (Searched various job sites for jobs to apply to in case this writing thing doesn’t work out –> 1.5 hours)

+ (Took a break from job searching.  Ate a late lunch.  decided I should probably also change out of p.j. top now that I’m no longer wearing p.j. bottoms.  Decided I should take a shower before changing top.  Took shower.  Decided I might as well put on makeup and brush hair while I’m at it.  Mental note: need haircut.  –> 1.0 hours)

+ (Sat down to write.  Dog downstairs started barking and howling nonstop.  This is 11th day in a row the dog has done this.  When I ran into downstairs neighbor last week, jokingly mentioned that her new dog sounds like he is being anally probed by aliens everyday while she’s at work.  Neighbor looked confused and said, “I don’t believe in aliens.”  Neighbor apparently has no sense of humor.  Nor can she take a hint because her dog continues to suffer the probes of make-believe aliens for hours everyday.  Fed up.  This is an inexcusable disruption to my working environment!  I have a deadline to reach, for goodness sake!  (Although another great perk of being a writer is that you are largely in control of your own deadlines.)  Drafted a friendly but stern note to neighbor, politely asking her to do something to keep her dog quiet during the day.  Ran downstairs to slip note under her door, but then heard my dogs upstairs begin barking and wrestling noisily over a squeaky toy.  Frustrated, ran back upstairs to yell at dogs to be quiet or else the aliens will come to probe them.  Then crumpled up letter to neighbor and threw away.  Prefer to have to listen to downstairs dog’s cries of anal torture than live in fear of vindictive retribution by neighbor every time my dogs make a peep.  Never underestimate the potential for evil by those who lack a sense of humor. –> 1.0 hours)

+ (Wrote blog entry –> 0.5 hours)

= 6.56 hours  (Huh???????????????)

+ (Time spent puzzling over why this number is bigger than 6.5 total Awake-hours before realizing it is due to the fact that I added the time it took to write this blog entry to the NWBDONETODL-hours total, which requires an adjustment to the Total Awake-hours to 7.0 hours) = 0.03 hours

= 6.59 hours

Final calculation:  (7.0 Awake-hours) – (6.59 NWBDONETODL-hours) = 0.41 hours spent actually writing

Hmm.  Probably should go over all calculations to make sure did it correctly cuz that number just seems ridiculous.  Think perhaps this was a bit of a self-defeating exercise.

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