Was about to go to bed last night when a thunderstorm started outside. A thunderstorm in the middle of January?!
Thought, “Oh Lordy, it’s Armageddon.”
Whenever there’s any weather anomaly, that’s my first automatic thought. Have Al Gore to thank for that. After all, if it weren’t for Al Gore’s efforts to terrorize the world with his global warming charts and monotone warnings about melting polar ice caps, I might still have rational thoughts about the causes of weird weather. (News flash, Al — ice melts. That’s what ice does. You can’t claim to discover that fact AND the internet, too. That’s just greedy.)
Out of morbid curiosity, decided to inspect my pantry to gauge how long I could survive on its contents, in case the thunder and lightning were, in fact, signs that the 4 Horsemen were answering Al Gore’s call. Contents of pantry (largely condiments and canned tomatoes) failed to promise more than a few days of survival. Disappointing.
Bag of dog food sitting at far end of kitchen floor caught my eye. (Yes, I’m going there.) Suddenly found myself wondering how long I could survive on 10 lbs of dog food when one of my dogs trotted into the kitchen. He looked at me, then looked at his bag of dog food, then eyed me with suspicion. I shrugged and said: “Survival of the fittest, Duncan. It’s nature’s law, not mine.”
Gave Duncan an extra treat to assuage feelings of guilt due to hypothetically feasting on his kibble during Armageddon. (Also hope he remembers this act of generosity and forgoes eating my carcass out of respect if he ends up out-surviving me.)
Went on Al Gore’s internet to do some research on how to make my pantry more Armageddon-ready. Discovered that Costco has a whole line of food survival-kits for exactly this purpose. These survival kits are buckets of preserved food that amount to tens of thousands of servings per kit and are among Costo’s top-selling products.
Suddenly realized that not only is my pantry not Armageddon-ready, but apparently I’m also way behind on the preparing-your-pantry-for-Armageddon curve. Made mental note to call Costco in the morning to ask about shelf-life of food survival kits. After all, spending $2000 on one of these kits when food will just end up expiring before world ends seems a bit foolish. Would not want to spend my post-apocalyptic life eating my way through 15,000 servings of moldy protein pellets and freeze dried veggie pops.
As I fell asleep, made mental note to either up my Armageddon-preparedness game, or stop watching scary documentaries on Netflix about global warming crisis, food crisis, water crisis, sun storm crisis, ozone layer crisis, magnetic-fields-are-shifting crisis, and gamma-rays-from-outer-space-are-heading-our-way crisis. (Considering hefty price tag on Costco survival kit, am leaning towards the latter.)