Dear Inventor, Please Invent This

Late one night, I caught an infomercial for the Snuggie.  Could not help but be baffled by the fact that someone put a lot of time and energy into inventing something that is essentially a blanket with sleeves.  (Then, just to test another theory, I went into my bathroom, grabbed my bathrobe, and put it on backwards.  Hmm — just as I thought.)

Decided to start listing things that really need to be invented, in case people realize that they already have a Snuggie if they have a bathrobe and the Snuggie inventor finds himself in need of new invention ideas to push.

Invention #1)   Customizable, multi-toned car horn with voice recording capability

Because sometimes “meep! meep!” just doesn’t cut it.  Like those times when a driver cuts you off in rush hour traffic and makes you miss your exit.  In that case, you need to be able to crank that “meep-meep” up to blasting-air-horn to get the message across.  And for those special occasions that require a more nuanced message, let a driver speak through his/her car via customized voice recordings:  “My wife’s water just broke and I need to get her to the hospital so move the f%&# out of my way!!!”  “Your blinker has been on for the past 10 miles.”  “Lady, if you don’t get off your cell phone and pay attention to the road, I’m going to side-swipe your minivan, I swear to God.”

Invention #2)  Device that will state the obvious in situations where nobody wants to acknowledge the obvious out loud

Was walking through Brookstone when I came upon a display of “neck massagers” in the middle of the store.  Watched in horror as a young child held up one of the “neck massagers” to her father and asked if she could have one of these in pink.  Stared aghast as middle-aged women held the sample models to the backs of their necks to try them out.  Gasped aloud when an elderly woman banged one of them against the side of the display table when it failed to turn on, and a store attendant rushed over to help her with it.  At that moment, I wished for a device that, with a push of a button, would free these people from their delusions by stating the obvious, “Just because they’re in Brookstone, doesn’t make them neck massagers!”

Invention #3)  Human-grade electric fence

Last week, was standing in a grocery line in front of Man With No Respect for Personal Space.  He stood so close to me that he stepped on the backs of my heels every time the line moved forward.  Standing in a long grocery line is bad enough without his nostrils shooting hot breath onto the top of my head from point-blank range.  If only I had a human-grade electric fence that would zap him back two feet and keep him at a socially acceptable personal space distance.

Will add to this list as needed…


2 comments on “Dear Inventor, Please Invent This

  1. Ahahaha!! I especially love that last one! I seriously hope some up-and-coming inventor gets their hands on this post. :)

  2. AJ Rokin says:

    Me, too. I could’ve used the “Device that states the obvious” again this week when I saw a middle-aged woman wearing Abercrombie & Fitch, glittery eyeshadow, and Snooki-style furry boots. Imagined myself pushing a button and a voice blaring at her: “Dressing young doesn’t make you look younger. It just makes you look like a mother who raids her daughter’s closet when she’s at the mall with her friends.”

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