Valentine’s Day is coming up. Would really like to meet the person whose idea it was to create a day where people are forced to participate in a head-to-head match against their significant other (“S.O.”) in a game of “Who Loves Who More?” Would like to congratulate that person for being the biggest sadist this side of Hades.
While recalling V-Days of the past, I decided to try to come up with a V-Day Gift rating system based on personal experience and the gazillion accounts I’ve heard from scorned friends who inevitably flood my voicemail box and email inbox every February 15 regarding the V-day Violations that have been committed against them. Hope that maybe this rating system will help prevent future violations, especially by those who tend to be repeat offenders. (And by “repeat offenders” I mean guys. I’m not hating. Just trying to keep it real here.)
Each potential V-Day gift listed below is given a base rating on a scale of 1 to 10. (1 being the lowest, as in, this gift is best viewed as a gag gift or a foundation gift upon which other, much better gifts will be built on. 10 being the highest, as in, if you get your S.O. this gift, you’re good, man. Go buy yourself that Scarface poster you’ve been wanting to hang up in the bathroom. She’ll say ‘yes’ this time.)
In order to figure out which, or what combination, of the following gifts to get your S.O. on V-Day, you must prepare yourself for battle by first calculating the number of points it will take to appease your S.O. using the following (very scientific) formula:
(Length of Relationship in terms of Years + Number of Times You Pissed S.O. Off in the Past 6 Months – Number of Times S.O. Pissed You Off in the Past Month (But Only if She Admitted She was Wrong)) x [Number of Weeks S.O. Gave You the Silent Treatment After Last Year’s V-Day Debacle – 1/2 (Number of Times You Apologized For It Afterwards)] ÷ (S.O.’s Expectations – S.O.’s Capacity for Forgiveness)
Simply plug in the numbers, refer to the ratings below, and you’ll know exactly what you need to do to have a Happy V-Day this year.
Stuffed Animal: V-Day Rating = 2.0 points
– Corollary #1: If stuffed animal has sentimental significance (e.g. a stuffed kitten that looks just like the pet cat your S.O. grew up with as a kid and loved, or a stuffed fish to mark the memory of the first time you said ‘I love you,’ which happened over a dinner of sashimi and spicy tuna rolls.) = 4.0 points
– Corollary #2: If stuffed animal is the carrier for something sparkly in a small box = 8.0 points
Chocolates: V-Day Rating = 4.0 points
– Corollary #1: If chocolate comes wrapped in foil and is found at the check-out line in most grocery stores = — 1.0 point (as in negative points)
– Corollary #2: If chocolate comes in a box wrapped with plastic, and you bought it at Walgreens = 3.0 points
– Corollary #3: If chocolate comes in a box wrapped with ribbon, has the word “Belgian” on the front, and made you say “WTF — How much?! There’d better be tiny diamonds and gold nuggets hidden in the nougat centers, or I’m gonna be pissed.” = 8.0 points
Flowers: V-Day Rating = 6.0 points
– Corollary #1: Plastic flowers or any type of house plant that comes in a clay pot = 1.0 points
– Corollary #2: If S.O. has a favorite flower, but you either don’t know it or forgot it and bought her a dozen of whatever was on sale = 3.0 points
– Corollary #3: If S.O. has a favorite flower, and by some miracle you remember what it is and get 2 dozen of them with a lovely card attached delivered to her office so that she can rub it into all of her girlfriends’ faces = 9.0 points
Any Gift That Shows You “Really Know Her”, “Understand Her Needs”, or “Have Been Paying Attention to All the Clues She’s Been Dropping Since the Beginning of January”: V-Day Rating = 6.0 points
– Corollary #1: If you get her a calendar, hand soap, or anything else you’d typically get as a gift for that Aunt you only see once a year = 1.0 point
– Corollary #2: If you mistakenly get her a gift based on the preferences of your previous S.O. –> run for the hills.
Sparkly things: V-Day Rating = 9.0 points
– Corollary #1: If she actually likes what’s in the box and says “It’s just what I would’ve picked out for myself!” = 10.0 points
– Corollary #2: If she knows you spent a lot of money on it, but she thinks it’s ugly = 7.0 points
– Corollary #3: If she knows you tried to trick her by putting the cheap piece of crap you bought at Claire’s into an expensive-looking box you got from a real jewelry store by buying something and then sneakily keeping the box when you returned it the next day like you had planned = 0.5 points
– Corollary #4: Add an extra 0.5 points to any of these if you gave it to her with a gift receipt.
So, there you go. I wish you all the best of luck this Valentine’s Day. May there be less blood spilled on this day in 2012 than in years previous.