The day has been full of constant distractions. Been up since 8 a.m. toiling away to fulfill dreams of becoming a successful (read: “able to pay her rent with book proceeds”) writer. Yet, efforts have been foiled time and time again by unwanted distractions.
Have no choice but to lodge an official complaint against the following perpetrators, and will follow up with legal action if distraction continues. Distractors be warned…
Distraction #1: Presidential Race
Please stop saying and doing things that require the rest of us to take time out of our day to ridicule you. It is very distracting, not to mention time-consuming. The sheer volume of ridicule-worthy behavior you put out there, though admirable in terms of both productivity and hilarity, only adds to our already full plates.
Don’t get me wrong — I respect your collective whole-hearted dedication to the cause of elevating Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert to the ranks of comedy-gods (this being the only rational explanation for many of the things you say). After all, everyone knows you’re doing the heavy lifting by handing them such good comedy fodder, day after day. They owe you their careers, considering the fact that neither of them have the looks nor the acting talent to make it in show biz otherwise.
However, if you continue with the kinds of antics that make the CNN app on my iPhone pop up with messages every 5 seconds that read more like the notes of a brainstorming session by SNL sketch writers than serious news coverage of legitimate current events, I am going to have to sue each and every one of your asses. (On what grounds, I am not sure, but since when do Americans need reasonable grounds to bring a lawsuit?) I don’t have much litigation experience, but I do know enough about lawsuits to aim for the deep pockets first — be afraid, Mitt Romney. Be very afraid.
Distraction #2: Serial Killer Who Lives Upstairs
Dear Serial Killer Who Lives Upstairs,
I’ve noticed from the increase in disturbing painful moans and repetitive thumps coming from your apartment (along with other indescribable noises that indicate your preference for murdering by means of blunt-force trauma) that you have been quite busy lately.
Like you, I also work from home. I trust that the scratch of my pen across my paper does not disturb your train of thought while you work, but if it does, then I would be happy to switch to a soft lead pencil. Out of respect for my neighbors, I do try my best to keep my noise pollution to a minimum. Accordingly, I would appreciate more effort on your part to quiet the sounds of your labor, particularly that part of it where you dismember your victims and throw their body parts against the floor (i.e. my ceiling) repeatedly to see how high they will bounce.
If you are loath to change your murderous M.O. (I know from watching crime shows that psychopaths like their rituals), might I suggest a neighborly compromise: You know that dog on the 1st floor who barks and howls all day?…